


The True Story of the Bathroom Incident

by chailover



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Allen Walker is a Little Shit, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, BAMF Lenalee Lee, Cohabitation, DGM Kink Meme, Everything is Beautiful and Nothing Hurts, F/M, Foursome - F/M/M/M, Kanda Yuu Swears a Lot, M/M, Multi, destruction of innocent property
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:42:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26963878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chailover/pseuds/chailover
Summary: For dgmkinkmeme:Prompt: Allen, Kanda, Lenalee, and Lavi. Post war. Four exorcists living under one roof... with only one bathroom. Doesn't have to be porn, but please make it funny.
Relationships: Kanda Yuu & Lavi & Lenalee Lee & Allen Walker, Kanda Yuu/Lavi/Lenalee Lee/Allen Walker
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15





	The True Story of the Bathroom Incident

**Author's Note:**

> Original notes: Googledocs keep insisting 'glomming' is not a word. It IS an actual word, dammit. The ending feels rushed. Alas.
> 
> Now notes: Archiving some older things that I used to have on LJ only, batch...whatever. The dgmkinkmeme has been deleted/defunct for a long time now, but I had a lot of fun with the prompts I had worked on. More to come, I guess... Actually I realized a lot later that most of the kinkmeme stuff made it to my ff.net too, so good job, past me? This is most likely FIRMLY in the AU territory now, given this was written ages and ages ago.

**

Linali folded her hands and crossed her legs. Behind her, the ruined bathroom gurgled, the shower curtains tangled on the floor, all the contents of the cabinets scattered on the ground, and the broken door hung onto the frame by one pathetic hinge. One wall even had a spider-web pattern on the shattered tiles, evidence of abuse from strength much greater than a normal human's. There was a patient smile on her face, but her tone gave no room for argument. "Tell me what happened."

Lavi looked thoughtful, Allen looked abashed, and Kanda just looked grumpy. Linali wasn't fooled one bit.

Finally the red-head spoke up, "Well, this really started because Yuu's such a masochist..."

**

Lavi woke reluctantly when his pillow moved, stupid pillow. Groping blindly with his free hand, the one not trapped under Allen and Linali, he managed to sort of grab the alarm clock on the bedside table. It was almost too dark to see the time but once he squinted hard enough and the numbers became somewhat readable in his bleary vision, he groaned.

"It's four," the pillow that didn't have enough decency to stay immobile informed him. Lavi plunked the alarm back on the bedstand and freed his arm so he could grab the damn pillow with both hands. "Let go."

"Izztooearly." Lavi said, the epitome of coherence.

"No it's not." The reply would've been totally convincing if Kanda hadn't chosen then to yawn. "...I train at four." he completed after it passed, futilely trying to pry Lavi off while still not in full possession of his motor skills.

"No train." Lavi had gotten very good at glomming these past few years. There were words about stupid swordsmen who still trained at unholy hours despite the fact that the war was won and over and dammit, they deserved the happy ending they're getting now, but all that would come out was, "Sleep. Good." Kanda was still struggling, and there were sleepy questioning noises coming from the other two occupants on the bed.

"Lavi?" Allen said groggily.

"What time is it?" Linali yawned.

"Too early." Lavi responded. Kanda had freed one arm and was contemplating whether he was awake enough to attempt the next maneuver. "Yuu wants to get up."

His two partners in crime were able to read his mind even mostly asleep. Allen groped blindly until he got a good hold on the arm that Kanda had freed, and attached himself there. Kanda went "oof!" and then Linali crawled on top of him, settling in comfortably in the space between him and Lavi.

"Go back to sleep, stupid..." Allen's words trailed off to a soft snore.

"Stay." Linali added softly. And that was that.

**

"How in the world am I a masochist for having the self-discipline to not lounge around in bed?!" Lavi noted that even when Kanda was angry, he curbed the worst of his verbal abuse around Linali. That was probably the only reason he and Allen's ears weren't blistering right now.

"Six A.M, maybe," Lavi gestured to himself and Allen, "we get up then and no one can accuse us of being lazy. But _four_ A.M.? After the night we had? That is pure masochism."

"That is _self-discipline_." Kanda gritted.

"What," Linali said, neatly cutting between the argument that was just waiting to explode, "does that have to do with what happened to the bathroom?"

Kanda shot Lavi a glare and then transferred it to Allen. "If the stupid rabbit over there hadn't stopped me, I would have gotten up at my normal time."

"And?" Linali prompted when it seemed like Kanda wasn't about to say more. Kanda merely looked sullen and she transferred her gaze to Allen. "Allen-kun?"

"I was just using the bathroom," Allen said huffily, "like a _normal person_. You were up already by then, Linali, and Lavi was still in bed. I was _minding my own business_ when Kanda started trying to knock the door down."

"You were in there for almost an hour." Kanda shot back.

"I was not!"

**

Allen looked up from where he was washing his face, and almost yelped out loud. A moment later, he started cursing his fair complexion, as his face was now red to the tip of his ears.

It still didn't quite manage to hide the hickey on his neck.

 _Oh my god_ , he thought, certain...ahem, scenes, from last night playing out in his mind. That was probably Linali. Or maybe Lavi...the bite-mark on his collarbone was definitely Lavi. There were bite marks on his collarbone. And on his ribs, and probably on the back of his neck...The hand-shaped bruises on his hips were probably from Kanda.

Allen tried to not spontaneously combust from blushing.

"Guh...collared shirt," he muttered. "Have to wear a collared shirt today..."

He didn't regret it, even though a part of him was just so mortified that he wished the earth would just swallow him. It's not that...that getting together came as a surprise. He had been watching Linali for as long as he could remember, and he was watching Lavi for almost as long. Watching Lavi watch Kanda was sort of like watching Kanda, in a way, and really, it wasn't a surprise that he was hopeless at trying to stay uninvolved. They were his best friends (even Kanda), people he fought and nearly died for, and he was so glad that they stayed together, even afterwards...

He just thought having little crushes on them wouldn't hurt as long as it never went anywhere. Sure, Linali was beautiful and Lavi was brilliant and Kanda was honorable in that hard-assed way of his, and they were all so brave and good, but he was happy with the way things were. He was sure whatever more they could be isn't worth the potential of ruining what they already have. But Lavi never knew when to leave well enough alone...add a determined Linali to the mix, and they were well nigh unstoppable.

And now, he was in the bathroom, realizing that he really needed a collared shirt (he had only grabbed pants and a tank-top because he was going to do some morning exercises later). He wasn't sure how he could face down the maker of those love-marks otherwise.

There were breakfast-making noises from the direction of the kitchen, and rustling of people waking and walking about. Allen brushed his hair veryyyy slowly, wondering how long he can go until the room was cleared enough for him to sneak a shirt without being seen.

He killed maybe fifteen minutes that way. A brusque knock made him jump. "Are you done putting your make up on in there?" Kanda's voice said sarcastically.

Allen instantly took back every nice thing he ever thought about Kanda. "I-what--I'm not putting on make-up!" he yelled. "I'm brushing my teeth, go away!"

He could hear Lavi call out sleepily, "Yuuuuu, come back to bedddd..." and Kanda's "Go fuck yourself," before the loud knocking resumed. "You've been in there long enough to brush your teeth three times. Now get out, other people need to use the bathroom too!"

Allen draped a towel around his neck and yanked the door open. "I'll come out when I damn well want to!" He declared, and then slammed the door shut again. Or at least, he tried, because Kanda had jammed one foot in and blocked the attempt. "You--!"

"Fucking beansprout, haven't you ever learned to share?" Kanda snarled, straining to push the door open more. Allen pushed back just as hard, glaring at the dark eyes mere inches from his own.

"I was in here FIRST." He growled back, "and I'm not done. Haven't you ever learned to _wait your turn_?"

There was a loud SNAP, and Allen thought for a moment that was the physical manifestation of Kanda losing his temper, until he realized the doorknob had come off in his hand.

His _left_ hand.

Kanda was looking at the doorknob, and at the hole left in the door, and then finally at Allen. "..."

Allen blinked in shock. "Oh, shoot--" but he forgot to account for the fact that Kanda was still pushing against the door, and the sudden loss of the opposing force sent them crashing into the small, cramped space of the bathroom. "Ow!" Allen yelped as he clipped the sink on his way down.

Kanda threw out a hand to stop their fall, but grabbed the shower curtains and brought them down as well instead. That in turn knocked into the cabinet, which rattled and rained various toiletries down upon them.

Allen tried to get up by reaching for the sink, but unfortunately did not take into account how butt-length hair can get _everywhere_. Kanda punched him in the temple for yanking on a good handful, and things just went downhill from there.

**

Linali sighed. "So somehow, you two got into a fight, and it destroyed the bathroom." She summarized.

"He started it!" Kanda and Allen said at the same time, pointing to each other. Lavi choked on his laughter, and covered his mouth desperately as they turned nearly identical glares on him. His shoulders still shook.

"Who started it, Lavi?" Linali asked. If he had been awake, then he would remember what happened even if he hadn't participated.

Lavi snickered helplessly, but somehow managed to shrug. "I think they both started it." He wagged his eyebrows. "They were awfully energetic, banging around in there. Maybe we didn't wear them out enough last night?"

"L-Lavi!" Allen stuttered, his face going red.

"Stupid rabbit." Kanda muttered.

Linali coughed. "That still leaves us with a ruined bathroom."

"I guess it's time to do some remodeling." Lavi concluded cheerfully.

**

End

**Author's Note:**

> ...nope, still can't work up the damn to update it from Linali to Lenalee.


End file.
